GAIUS JULIUS CAESAR

Big Julie, the original Don

VENI, VIDI, VICTIMA
Like every commuter late for work, hungover from a lavish dinner party the night before the fated Martio XV, XLIV hosted by Marcus Lepidus, Caesar's newly dubbed  Magister Equitum, Don Julius dashed outta the house after a lite breakfast of crusty bread with olive oil, lemon juice (GJC was an avid juicer) and honey. Set to carpe diem, he kissed wifey Calpurnia goodbye against her pleas to chill at home

A funny thing happened on the way to The Pompey - I got knifed by a bunch of townies lookin' to roll me

that day. She had been having recent premonitory (not PMS) dreams and wanted him by her side where she could keep an eye on him.  She couldn't convince her man to stay home from the office. Mob housewife Teresa Giudice couldha given Calpurnia a couple of tips ala RHWONJ/Carmela Soprano that wouldha kept Caesar home in bed that fateful day. All she needed to do was drop her tunic and Caesar wouldha been safe and averted his assassins. His 'good' friend Brutus talked him outta this one, "What is this, Caesar? Are you a man to pay attention to a woman's dreams and the idle gossip of stupid men, and to insult the Senate by not going out, although it has honored you and has been specially summoned by you? But listen to me, cast aside the forebodings of all these people, and come." His doctor also wanted him home due to having recent dizzy spells. Poetically it would be nice to keep Shakespeare's account of March 15th with the soothsayer and the warning, "Beware the Ides of March they are upon you," intact, however, that's not history, but indulge me with some 'poetic license.' Caesar hopped into his litter manned by a quartet of slaves and headed out to the Theater of Pompey, no, not the Forum. So this would be the part where he allegedly (Thanx Kathy Griffin for this tip to avoid a libel suit) runs into the sage who had forewarned him previously to beware the Ides of March. Caesar chided him with a, "Ya see it's the Ides of March, and I'm still here!" Ah, but the seer reminded him not to get too cocky as the day was just beginning (11:15). As the great Yankee catcher Yogi Berra always said, "It ain't over til it's over."

The plot to assassinate Caesar had been brewing for a while and the ringleader was Brutus. Not that it had anything to do with Brutus and his band of brothers dispatching the tyrannical dictator, but apparently Big Julie had even bedded down Brutus' mother, Servilia. She was one of many extra marital conquests. JGC just couldn't keep his penis praeputio under his toga.

He was pushing the envelope all over the place. Just a month before Caesar had crowned himself king, actually dictator, the first one in Rome in half a millennium. Seems the last one in DIX b.c., Tarquinius Superbus (Tarquin the Proud), had been ramrodded out of town by the masses for raping the daughter of a rich patrician (probably got some great tips from Harvineous Weinsteinius and not allegedly this time) and the people would not let him get away with it. Caesar also had the balls to order coins minted with his mug on them, unheard of for a living Emperor of Rome. 

Then there was the affair with Cleopatra. Had it not been for the torrid and illicit romance of these two storied lovers, Liz and Dick never wouldha been onea the hottest, stormiest and steamiest love affairs to ever come outta Hollywood. They met circa MCMLX on the set of "Cleopatra" with Rex Harrison playing Caesar, Liz Taylor as Cleo and the brooding Welshman, Richard Burton as lover Marc Antony (no, not Jennifer Lopez's throwaway). Liz and Dick smoldered together in technicolor. Hurry, hurry. Read all about it:

       “Emperor of Rome Knocks Up Queen     

                 of the Nile!
    Wowch! Queen Cleo Purportedly treated
     by local physician for rug burn!"     

                                                   

Oh, the juicy details! Cleo even came gift wrapped rolled in a rug! They took this affair to the hilt, eventually having a bastard son. It had all the earmarks of good dirty dish! 

But the question on the tip of everyone's tongue re Caesar: Boxers or briefs? Neither...commando!!! Toga, toga, toga! Uuuu, ya gotta love a man sporting a toga with easy access especially crowned with a laurel wreath. Makes even the baldies look appealing. Gives new meaning to 'hold the zucchini' on that veggie panini sand order, AND fortunately for Caesar, not "the most unkindest cut of all." Seems his uncut penis was also "Home of the Whopper!" King Julius had been testing the waters for a while and these "liberators" as they called themselves would not have it any longer. There were a lot of nefarious goings on leading up to this. Details in place, the plot was a go. After JGC seated himself in his chair next to the Theatre of Pompey, the senators gathered around him, there was a kerfuffle, Caesar stood and Servilius Casca took the first stab, the second was the fatal one, and 21 stab wounds followed leaving "The Boss," pink slipped in a pool of blood on the floor. Hence the term "backstabbers" was coined and 2016 years later the O'Jays shot to #1 on the R&B Charts with their breakthrough hit: http://youtu.be/T6h1BV7FZqs.

Fast forward a few hours, servants came to carry the body back home and another milestone event in history. Caesar's body was the first on record to be autopsied. Friends, Romans, countrymen, Caesar has left the building.

NEWSFLASH...This just in: The motive of the assassins has been determined. This was pre Julian Calender times which meant Rome was still using the old lunar calendar. Did I hear a so what?!!! So what made it so the ides of March marked the full moon. Quisque insanus as they said in Rome!

The McRoman With Cheese Breakfast Sandwich 

Ciabatta rolls work the best for this quickie, on-the-go breakfast special.
Slice open width wise and drizzle w/EVOO (Extra virgin olive oil). My tasty twist on this: sprinkle with either grated parmigiano reggiano/pecorino Romano/asiago or lucatel cheese. Personally, I'd go w/the lucatel as it's a bit softer and melts better, and if you're planning on taking the podium and orating, I'd stay away from the more rank parmesan/pecorino Romano.
A dash of salt and freshly ground pepper.
Wrap in foil, set your sun dial for 7 minutes and heat at 275 degrees. Heating makes the bread crispy, melts the cheese, enhances the flavor and if you're preparing this for the don, it's the only way with fresh squeezed organic lemon juice laced with some honey to avoid a flogging. 

LATIN LEXICON 

colei - balls, cojones. As the old, old, ancient saying goes - seni supino colei culum tegunt. IOW - "When an old man lies down, his testicles cover his butthole."

magister equitum - - right hand man; 1st lieutenant; wing man

penis praeputio - - uncircumcised - Foreskin rules!

quisque insanus - Everybody is crazy. En Italiano - Tutti pazzi!- everybody's crazy! Tutti pazzi!

All written material contained is copyrighted by Mafia Cook.